After that, Leticia deliberately avoided me.
If she had ignored me before, now she treated me as someone she should never cross paths with.
Thus, I was more on edge than ever.
It wasn’t just because she was pushing me away. I was used to cold treatment.
The problem was that she had coughed up blood. And I didn’t even know the cause.
As a king, I had experienced countless times how easily people could die.
One could hear the news of someone they laughed with the day before passing away the next morning.
If such a thing could happen to healthy people, how much more so for her, who was already sick?
Imagining that she might die somewhere out of my sight, I eventually had no choice but to stop her.
“Leticia, we need to talk.”
“Let go of my hand. There’s nothing to talk about.”
“It’ll just take a moment.”
“Stop making me repeat myself. I clearly remember drawing a line between us.”
“I’m not trying to cross that line. I’m just asking you to get treated. Are you asking me to leave you sick and unattended?”
“There’s nothing you can do anyway.”
“Leticia!”
“Ha.”
She let out a deep sigh and forcibly pulled her hand away from my grip.
I had no desire to let her go, but I couldn’t forcibly hold on to her, who had recently grown noticeably thinner.
Her thin wrist looked so frail that it seemed like it would break with just a little more force.
I gave up holding onto her and stood in her way instead.
“You can’t leave like this. I won’t leave you alone until we find out the cause of the hemoptysis. I won’t just stand by and wait for the worst to happen to you.”
“And what is the worst? That I die? Why does that matter to you?”
Empty green eyes stared at me.
“I’ve already stopped caring about my own life. You, on the other hand, have an unnecessary abundance of energy.”
“This time, I will not back down. If I make you uncomfortable, then at least have a doctor with you. You are the Queen of Genos. As queen, you must fulfill at least your minimal responsibilities, don’t you think?”
Queen, responsibility… I tried to persuade her with words that held no meaning even to me.
Of course, I knew it would be useless. A wave of self-loathing surged over me. As expected, she let out a deflated laugh the moment she heard my words.
“Queen, huh, how amusing. But what should I do? I have no interest in that. I have no intention of taking responsibility for anything. So don’t bother attaching a doctor to me. Not that the doctor could even keep up with me. I’ll live however I want, even if it’s just for one more day.”
She said it so nonchalantly.
“And besides, the hemoptysis will stop soon. I’ll be in pain for a few more days, but it won’t last long, so don’t worry too much.”
“Stop soon…? Do you mean you know the cause of the hemoptysis? What is it? Is it an illness you’ve had? Why didn’t you tell me? What illness is it!?”
She waved her hand dismissively, as if annoyed.
“It’s a disease only I have. It’s so rare that no doctor would know. I guess you could call it a kind of seizure. It used to come around once or twice a year.”
“……”
“You know, don’t you? That I have a madness where I have to shed blood. Just think of it as that madness manifesting. Won’t that put your mind at ease?”
Knowing that she had no such madness and that she was once again putting on a cruel front, I felt like I was going to go crazy with frustration.
“Fine. I’ll believe what you say. Still, bring a doctor. If the doctor’s observation matches your claim, I will stop worrying about you.”
“Ugh, do we really have to make this so tiring for each other?”
“As I said earlier, I won’t back down this time. If you refuse a doctor, I will personally stay by your side.”
“I knew this would happen.”
She shook her head as if exhausted.
“Do as you please. You’ll soon see I was right anyway. The seizures will be over in a few days.”
Then she added in a very small voice,
“And by next month, it’ll be completely over.”
* * *
Whether it was fortunate or unfortunate, she was right.
She coughed up blood a couple more times, suffered from high fever for a few more days, and was tormented by seizures.
She tried her best to hide how much pain she was in.
I ordered the doctors not to leave her side, but whenever she used excuses like needing to change clothes to send them out, there was nothing I could do.
There were even times she threatened them to leave the room.
Watching her brandish a knife at them, though they were innocent, she looked every bit the villainess from the rumors.
When the doctors, who had been kicked out, forced their way back in after hearing her groans from outside, they found her in a state so precarious that she seemed on the verge of losing consciousness.
“This seizure lasted about ten minutes. Fortunately, there was no blood this time, but she appeared to be in immense pain. We tried to administer painkillers, but Her Highness adamantly refused, so we couldn’t give her any.”
“Your Highness, I am deeply concerned about whether it is truly right for us to stay by Her Highness’s side. We are doing our utmost to follow your orders, but Her Highness spares no effort in pushing us away, and we are unsure how to proceed. I worry that continuing like this might cause even greater complications.”
“It seems likely that Her Highness is suffering from a unique illness that only affects her. The symptoms have manifested several times, but not once has there been any direct harm to her body. Unless some supernatural force is involved… if not, it would be right to consider it a special disease.”
Hearing the doctors’ reports, I barely managed to respond.
“So, basically, we have no choice but to trust her words for now. Just watch and do nothing, as we’ve been doing?”
“Not exactly. It’s just that, given how rare the symptoms are and how accurately Her Highness seems to foresee the outcomes, it seems she understands her condition quite well….”
“I understand. Keep your distance from her for now. Replace it with checking her condition at least three times a day at fixed intervals.”
“As you command.”
After the doctors left, I was alone in my office, pressing my eyes hard with both hands.
The tension had left my eyes aching as if they would fall out.
No, this kind of pain didn’t matter.
The hardest part was still her. Leticia, my wife.
The woman I ended up loving.
“You are a truly difficult person.”
I laughed bitterly.
No matter how I looked at it, there was no one more difficult in my life than her.
“Is it fortunate, after all?”
At first, I didn’t believe her when she said it was the manifestation of her madness. She wasn’t some blood-crazed murderer.
I thought she was lying to deceive me.
But all the symptoms turned out exactly as she predicted.
Even the doctors said there was nothing wrong with her body.
I had no choice but to believe her.
“A month from now, huh….”
She said her symptoms would subside in a few days and, at most, be completely gone within a month.
The thought of that wretched pain continuing for an entire month made me feel sick, but knowing there was an end somehow felt like a relief.
“Will there be time to have a proper conversation a month from now?”
While my worry for her had lessened, reality remained as harsh as ever.
A spy I had planted in the Holy Empire sent a letter not long ago.
「The Wings of the Goddess, who had scattered across the empire, are gradually returning to the capital. The number of armed paladins patrolling the streets has doubled. The atmosphere in the Holy Empire is growing tense.」
I hoped all of this was just a passing wind, but with this happening right after we lost my brother’s remains, I had a bad feeling.
I didn’t know how much time was left between her and me, but until then, I wanted to do everything I could for her.
Things that might help her survive, like horseback riding.
“Maybe self-defense could be good too….”
Techniques for subduing an opponent with a small dagger.
It wouldn’t work on a well-trained knight, but if the opponent was caught off guard, it could be quite useful.
I laughed quietly to myself, imagining teaching her self-defense.
When I put a knife in her hand, who would be the first person she’d want to stab?
‘Perhaps, it would be me.’
* * *
“Aren’t you ever tired?”
A few days later, her seizures completely stopped. I dismissed all the servants and began personally attending to her.
I brought a table, laid out a white tablecloth, and placed dishes and food on it.
Among the various soups, I set the one she could manage to eat in front of her and helped her sit up.
Perhaps because she was so weak from the illness, she didn’t push me away.
I couldn’t tell if I should be relieved by that or not.
Placing the spoon in her hand, I said,
“Please eat. I will speak after you’ve finished your meal.”
“Sigh.”
She rested her forehead in her hand and let out a deep breath. Whatever her reaction, I remained steadfast in my place, like a statue.
“Amazing, really.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“What if I refuse to eat until you leave?”
“Then I’ll wait until you decide to eat.”
“And what if I hold out until the end?”
“I’m better at holding out.”
“Haha, are you suggesting we starve to death together?”
“I have no intention of letting you die, so I’ll find a way somehow.”
“Not letting me die….”
After that, she fell silent for a moment.
She stared at the spoon I had handed her, her expression tightening as if she might cry.
“Fine. Since this will all be over soon anyway, I’ll do as you wish. They say even the dead get their last wish granted. Why not grant one for the living?”
She began to eat the soup very slowly. I watched her swallow each bite as if it were my own lifeline. Even though I was witnessing her eating in front of me, it didn’t feel like enough. If I could, I would have poured all my life force into her.
“I’ve finished. What is it you want to say?”
Her plate was emptier than usual. It seemed she had purposely eaten more than normal to avoid further hassle from me.
Suppressing my desire to push her to eat more for her health, I presented her with what I had prepared—a wooden box, about the length of two hands.
“What is this?”
“See for yourself.”
She hesitated for a moment as she opened the box. After staring blankly at its contents, she looked up at me with an expressionless face.
“Is this what I think it is?”
“As you can see, it’s a dagger.”
“A real dagger?”
“If by ‘real’ you mean the blade is sharp, then yes.”
“Why are you giving me this?”
“It’s in the same vein as horseback riding. Basic self-defense is something even high-ranking noblewomen learn. Danger can come at any time.”
“So, you want me to learn self-defense from you, using this dagger?”
“You’re not familiar with swords, so a dagger might feel awkward. But I’d like you to get used to a real blade. No matter how finely crafted a practice dagger is, there will always be a difference with the real thing. In real situations, that subtle difference can determine life or death.”
“No, I’m not asking for a practice dagger. What I’m asking is, what makes you trust me enough to put this in my hand? You’re a king. What if I stab you with this? Why are you putting something like this in my hand?”
She looked as though she might cry as she spoke those words.
She had always been a difficult person for me, but now I felt like I understood her heart a little more.
I let out a small laugh.
“Do you want to stab me?”
At that moment, I realized something.
She still wanted to kill me.
No matter how much I did for her, that wouldn’t change.
Our relationship had been flawed from the beginning.
To her, I was nothing but a heavy chain, a burden.
No matter how ornate and soft a shackle may be, to the one bound, it’s nothing but torment.
“If you want to stab me, go ahead. But you won’t.”
Everyone has desires.
Among them are those that can never be fulfilled in reality.
I, too, have lived with such desires.
In the Holy Empire, I wanted to kill Josephina and all her priests, and after falling in love with her, I wanted to force my feelings on her.
But desires were left as just that—desires.
I believed she was the same.
The person who once held a sword to my throat while I slept now held a dagger in her hand, yet did nothing.
Even if she wanted to stab me, she didn’t.
Isn’t that enough?
“I’m curious. If it wasn’t me, would you have done all this?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if it had been another woman, would you have put in this much effort? Treating me when I was sick, carrying me through the desert, standing against those who condemned me… Even when I kept pushing you away, you kept giving and giving… Now you’re teaching me horseback riding and self-defense.”
She laughed, as if the thought was ridiculous.
“You’ve received nothing from me. So why are you putting in so much effort? Is it because I’m the daughter of a saintess? Or are you so rigid that you would have done this for anyone in this position?”
I opened my mouth to speak.
I wanted to tell her she was entirely wrong. That none of this was because she was the saintess’s daughter or because she was the queen, but because I loved her…
“You are my wife. So, in this world, I would have only done this for you.”
“That’s not what I’m asking. If another woman were your wife, would you have done the same for her?”
“Hypotheticals have no meaning. That would never happen.”
“How boring. Typical of you, though.”
She stared at the gleaming blade for a moment.
She touched the handle with her fingertips briefly, then pushed the box toward me.
“Let’s begin. This self-defense lesson.”
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