After that, there were several more attempts to kill me, but she never managed to stab me. She always said she had to kill me, but she never did anything.
It was curious how someone so weak-hearted could even make up her mind to kill someone.
Actually, the most nonsensical thing was my attitude.
Ridiculously, I never stopped her. I didn’t even show that I knew the truth. I even still considered her the most important person to me.
As if I still loved her.
Perhaps it was because that love was a kind of resolution.
As I crossed the desert, I decided to accept my feelings for her, whoever she might be.
Even if she were the biological daughter of Josephina, what would it matter if she tried to kill me? I had resolved to love her, and I was simply following that resolution.
To love her because I had resolved to do so.
At times, my feelings felt more like obsession than love, but I quickly stopped pondering.
I no longer cared whether it was love, resolution, or obsession.
The night she tried to kill me, something inside me broke beyond repair, and it could never be fixed.
Maybe, I was just hoping she would end my life.
For the past seven years, I had been so exhausted, wanting to quit everything, but I couldn’t because of my sense of responsibility.
If I were to die by her hand, at least I would be free of the guilt of betraying Genos.
Those were the days.
On the outside, it seemed peaceful, but inside, everything was a mess.
* * *
Then came a change I couldn’t understand. For some reason, she stopped trying to kill me. She had even hidden the knife somewhere. I was curious about her change but couldn’t figure out why.
Around that time, there was almost no conversation between us as a couple.
She treated me as if I didn’t exist, and I, too, didn’t speak unless it was absolutely necessary.
The difference between us was in how we treated each other.
Even after everything, I continued to treat her with utmost respect and care as my wife.
I did so not because of my feelings for her, but because I considered it my duty as her husband.
Ironically, thanks to that thin resolve, I became the kindest person to her in this palace.
Others could no longer endure her coldness and irritable attitude and distanced themselves from her.
That’s why I ended up gifting her fur shoes.
At the onset of winter, the head steward in charge of managing the royal household came to me with a very troubled expression.
The weather was getting colder, and he needed to deliver winter items to the queen, but she refused to accept anything.
“She won’t listen to us at all. It seems she doesn’t like the items we’ve prepared. We’ve done our best, but…”
Silently, I looked at the box the head steward had brought. Inside the box were fur boots wrapped in the finest sable fur.
They were much more valuable than the leather shoes I was wearing.
When the atrocities of the Holy Empire intensified, I got rid of all the luxury goods that had been customarily used in the royal household.
The ministers tried to stop me, saying that luxury goods were the minimum means of upholding the authority of the royal family, but I ignored them.
Even at this very moment, someone among the people of Genos was likely freezing to death.
The fur coat I would wear once or twice and discard was a lifeline for them.
However, after welcoming my wife, I broke my resolution and ordered that only the finest items be prepared for the queen.
It wasn’t because she was my wife, but because she was the daughter of the Saintess.
In this palace, she was the noblest existence, not me.
“Though the climate of Genos is milder than that of the Holy Empire, winter is still quite harsh. I worry that Her Majesty might fall ill from the cold winter wind.”
The head steward, being naturally courteous, didn’t outright criticize her. But I could easily sense that he was hurt. You could tell from how even this usually reserved man was talking more than usual.
“I understand. I will personally deliver the items to the queen. Have the things she needs sent to the bedroom in the evening. I will send someone when the time comes.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
The head steward left the room looking even more uncomfortable than when he had arrived.
He clearly felt guilty for leaving this troublesome matter to me.
But he likely had no other options. He must have pondered and pondered until he was left with no answer, which is why he came to me.
Given how the head steward felt, I could imagine how the other palace staff were reacting without needing to see for myself.
In the end, I put down the report I had been holding.
“What on earth is she thinking, trying to make enemies endlessly?”
Lately, it was as if she wanted everyone in Genos to hate her.
As her husband, I tried to protect her as much as I could, but there was a limit to how much I could shield her.
Still, I had to resolve this matter somehow. If I left it as it was, more slander would soon engulf the palace.
As I thought about this, I suddenly felt a surge of frustration.
I knew you were trying to kill me, and yet I was doing my best for you, but you wouldn’t even treat me like a human being.
I was angry.
I hated her.
I glared at the box the head steward had left. The fur shoes inside still looked soft and beautiful.
But I didn’t care. I shoved the box aside in irritation. I didn’t even care if she froze to death anymore.
* * *
“These are the winter items for this season. If they don’t suit your taste, feel free to let me know. I will do my best to match your preferences.”
Despite my earlier resolution not to care if she froze, I eventually brought her the winter items.
As always, I spoke with utmost politeness and kindness, without showing the slightest hint of discomfort.
“Genos may be a southern country, but the winters are by no means short. The weather is so unpredictable that it can snow for more than a week. Since leaving the Holy Empire, your health has significantly weakened. If you face the severe cold unprepared, you will fall ill again.”
Her reaction was as expected. She stayed under the blanket, completely ignoring everything I said. She didn’t even glance in my direction.
As I continued my explanation, I eventually stopped talking.
I was seething inside.
By now, I was angrier at myself than at her.
You fool, you idiot. To hell with this sense of responsibility.
Just as I was hurling insults at myself, her shoulder, covered by the blanket, shifted ever so slightly toward me.
I flinched instinctively, feeling a sudden pang of guilt. Despite my nervousness, she simply pulled the blanket over herself again.
For a moment, I remained frozen, then let out a hollow sigh.
* * *
After that, I avoided her for some time.
I no longer wanted to waste my emotions on her.
The problem was the night.
Sharing the same bedroom made it difficult to avoid her completely. Separation wasn’t an option, especially with Josephina in the picture.
So, I started entering the bedroom only after I was certain she was asleep, and I would wake up at the crack of dawn, well before she awoke.
Any messages I absolutely needed to convey, I wrote on paper and left on the bedside table. I gave a plausible excuse that I was too busy with work lately and had no choice but to leave notes.
As a result, all communication between us ceased entirely. Days passed without even properly seeing her face. At first, it felt incredibly awkward, but after a while, it became oddly comforting. The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” began to ring true.
“Mother has disappeared?”
It happened one day during an unusually cold winter. As I had warned her earlier, it snowed for over a week. The sudden cold snap resulted in numerous deaths from freezing. To minimize the casualties, we urgently opened the national granary and distributed fuel, including firewood. That day, when we were all extremely busy managing the crisis, disaster struck.
“Yes, Your Majesty. I personally confirmed that she was sleeping, but…”
The head steward of the inner palace, who had served my mother for a long time, was in tears. My heart sank.
It wasn’t the first time my mother had gone missing, but it was rare for it to be reported to me like this.
Usually, she was found before it reached that point. Yet, they had come to me even knowing I was in a meeting. That alone was proof that the situation was serious.
“Your Majesty, it might be best to end today’s meeting here. We’ve established the rough schedule and methods for fuel distribution, so perhaps the details can be discussed by the Elder Council.”
“In that case, I’ll leave the rest in your capable hands.”
Thanks to the chancellor’s consideration, I was able to leave the meeting room immediately. As I walked briskly, I pressed for more information.
“Give me a detailed report.”
“We realized she was missing about thirty minutes ago. The knights were stationed at the door, so it seems she left through the window.”
The steward hurriedly followed me, explaining.
“All her outer garments were still there. She must have gone out in only her thin nightclothes, so we’ve enlisted the help of the knights. Given the severe cold, time is of the essence…”
The snow was falling even harder now. My anxiety grew. Thirty minutes was not a short amount of time.
An elderly woman in thin nightclothes wouldn’t last long in such harsh weather.
And it could have been more than thirty minutes.
They only discovered she was missing thirty minutes ago, meaning she could have left much earlier.
‘Where could she possibly be?’
Panic rose in my throat. People were frantically searching for her all over the palace. It was incomprehensible that, with so many people looking, no one had found her yet.
Unless she had intentionally hidden herself somewhere…
That’s when my eyes caught something. A tree root, buried under the snow. I could barely make out its shape through the swirling snowflakes.
A terrible thought flashed through my mind. The reason no one had found her.
If, by any chance, she was buried beneath that snow. If she had collapsed long ago, her body slowly freezing…
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