Everything he said was correct. My sister always pretended she was an adult, but after all, she had only just turned fifteen.
And my sister was truly fast at running. So if she had been scared, she could have just run, but she did not. In fact, she knew. She knew he was a good person. That was why she was curious. She wanted to know what kind of person he was.
However, just like always, my sister could not be honest.
“Don’t spout nonsense.”
“What were you so afraid of while you lived?”
“Shut up.”
My sister spoke. Her tone was rough, but her voice trembled.
What were you so afraid of while you lived?
Why did that small question disturb my sister’s hardened heart?
I could not know. However, I thought that if my sister could not speak, then I could speak in her stead. So I carefully opened my mouth.
“My sister is afraid of loud noises. That… something like a bang, an exploding sound. And she’s afraid of sharp things. Like window bars. She also hated yew trees. About the arrows made from yew wood….”
“Quiet, Hyacinth.”
“Sister, I was only saying this because you wouldn’t.”
“Stop talking.”
“Did I say something strange? You’re scared of those things. I was the one who got hurt, but it’s so odd that you’re the one who’s afraid.”
“Fine, your leg is lame. I’m perfectly fine. Are you happy now, you limping brat? Just shut up.”
I should have stopped there. I should have kept my mouth shut, just as my sister said. But I could not.
Even though I knew she was speaking harshly on purpose, I was angry. It did not bother me when other kids teased me, because my sister used to get mad for me. But when my sister was the one calling me a cripple, it hurt so much.
I even raised my voice as I spoke.
“Mom saved you, Sister.”
“Shut up.”
“She saved you and died.”
“Hey.”
“I was in too much pain to even see Mom, and I barely remember it, but you, you talked with her until the end. You remember everything! Brother Willow died and Mom died, but only you survived unharmed. Then what is there to be afraid of? Why are you the only one who’s making a fuss? Why did you turn strange? Why are you only now trying to take care of me?”
I spat out words as they came to me, and words I had not even thought of. Only when I was done did I realize what I had done.
“I… I, I….”
I could not even lift my head. My sister would surely misunderstand and think those words were my true feelings. I had to clear it up at once, but the mouth that had so readily spouted nasty words was clamped shut and would not open.
So even though I was already twelve, I sobbed like a little kid. I collapsed onto the ground and bawled out loud.
But, Aunt, my sister did not get angry. Even though she was normally so foul-tempered, she did not shout or abandon me.
Primrose, my sister, simply sat there and held me as I curled up. As though she knew how sorry I felt, she patted my back. Naturally, I cried even harder.
That dazzling man watched us sisters like that for quite a while. He must have been taken aback. Perhaps he felt guilty. He probably had not intended for his question to spark all this trouble.
However, he did not hastily apologize. He just stayed quietly by our side, watching us. When I wiped my cheeks with my hand, he reached inside the luggage poking out from beneath his armor and handed me a clean cloth. And when my sister cleared her throat, he almost gave her the goat’s milk he was holding, then remembered she disliked it and hesitated.
Seeing how much he cared seemed to improve my sister’s mood. She spoke first.
“If you’re thinking you should apologize, don’t bother. You did nothing wrong. She just answered because you asked, so she’s not at fault. And you, you didn’t know and asked, so you’re not at fault either.”
“But it still hurt your heart.”
“It’s all in the past. It’s nothing.”
“My dear, how can seeing your mother pass away be nothing?”
My sister gave a little snort and asked,
“Do you also have a mother? Ah, that was poorly phrased. Of course, you must have a mother.”
At those words, the three of us let out a small laugh. That made the atmosphere a bit lighter. My sister cleared her throat a few times and adjusted her voice, then spoke again.
“Well, I mean, since you have a mother too… what was she like?”
“She was the most beautiful woman in the Empire. And, and….”
It was only natural. Someone who gave birth to a son who shone like that must have been an astonishing beauty. I wondered what other amazing traits she had. As I waited expectantly for his next words, he said this.
“She hated me terribly.”
“Not that she cherished you terribly?”
I widened my eyes and looked at him. Primrose just burst into laughter instead of being surprised.
“Ah, for the first time, I was starting to like you a bit.”
“Reeaally, were you pitying me?”
He drooped his gentle eyes and shapely lips downward, like a rain-soaked baby rabbit, forming a pitiful expression, then asked in a playful tone. My sister shook her head seriously.
“I was empathizing. Our mother also hated me.”
“Reallyy.”
“I’m starting to like you more. You didn’t say, ‘What kind of mother hates her child?’”
“I knew there were mothers in the world who hated their children.”
He laughed brightly at that lonely remark, as though it amused him for some reason. My sister also started talking excitedly, like someone about to tell an adventure story.
“Our mom wasn’t a horrible person. But she liked me less, compared to Willow, my twin brother. I think she always wanted Willow to eat the tastier food, and she gave him warm clothes first. Do you know how annoying it was to live your whole life that way? I was just me, but to our mom, I was never quite the child she wanted.”
“Hmm, I think I understood that—at least a little?”
He said that with a bashful smile. Primrose gave him a grin.
“Right. We’re communicating pretty well. Anyway, ever since I was too young to put it into words, I wanted to be Willow. I insisted on wearing the same clothes Willow wore, and I spoke rougher, more like a boy, than Willow did. I tried to do everything Willow did, and I cut my hair short like him. Looking back, I think I believed that if I acted more like Willow, Mom would like me as much as she liked him. But things like that….”
“Never really happen.”
“You do know how it goes. So I got annoyed. Mom only liked Willow a bit more, not that she treated me terribly. Still, I was always annoyed with her. I told her I was annoyed before she died.”
I didn’t know that. I had been too young when Mom was alive. I hadn’t noticed Mom favoring Willow more, or that my sister acted like a tomboy for those reasons.
I had just thought my sister was like a brother—cool. Then, when she suddenly started growing her hair out after Mom passed, I assumed her tastes had changed.
Leaving me behind in surprise, he asked my sister,
“Do you regret it?”
Instead of saying yes, my sister started another story.
“Do you know this? When people die, their eyes close and their mouths shut, but their ears stay open. So if you grab a dead person and say, ‘I love you, I love you,’ they hear it all.”
“That was a lovely story. I’d remember it.”
“Please do. I couldn’t do it. I only said I was annoyed, and asked why she saved me.”
That was definitely the first time I had heard it. Facing the sorcerer, who asked no questions and just looked at her, my sister went on, telling this terrible story without crying.
“Then I apologized. But I never said I loved her.”
“Why did you apologize? Hm, yes, you must have thought your mother died because of you, even though you knew it was wrong.”
“It wasn’t wrong, it was true. She died because of me.”
“My dear, her dying because of you and her dying while saving you are two different things. You knew that, didn’t you?”
I couldn’t tell if she heard his question. Like someone lost in thought, she spoke on, alone.
“Hyacinth was… she was so little, and she tripped while running. A poison-tipped arrow made from yew got stuck in her leg. Mom pushed her aside, saving her life, but she couldn’t save her completely. I was right next to them. Mom had to protect me, too. If she hadn’t, I would have died.”
“Then it was the only choice she could make.”
“You know what’s funny, though? Mom wasn’t trying to save me. That morning, Willow was irritating, so I stole his clothes. I had my hair cut short, just like his, so if you looked from the back, I was obviously a boy. So, so Mom….”
My sister neither sobbed nor whimpered, but I knew she was holding back her emotions with all her strength. She spoke slowly, carefully.
“…that made me feel so guilty. It was Mom’s own mistake—she saved me, thinking I was Willow, but I felt this crushing guilt. I never asked her to save me. I was yelling at her, annoyed, so I missed whatever she whispered at the very end before closing her eyes. Maybe it was about Willow, so maybe it was better I didn’t hear it. Still, I keep thinking about it. I should have listened to what Mom said….”
He listened silently, then gazed at my sister intently.
“Primrose.”
“Don’t call me that. It sounds like you’re my mom.”
“What do you think she was trying to say?”
My sister’s eyes shook. It seemed as though she had thought about that question for a very long time, in secret, every night, so quietly that even I hadn’t noticed.
Her lips moved silently, then at last she forced out the words.
“…‘You should have died.’”
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