In time, she slowly but surely seeped into my heart.
I accepted this change within me with a surprising calmness, even to myself.
Looking back, it was inevitable.
I had fallen for her the moment I first laid eyes on her. I had merely been denying my feelings, and now I was finally accepting them.
Why her, of all people?
I couldn’t say for sure. But one thing was certain—she was the only person around me who didn’t treat me like a king.
The desire to protect her wasn’t born from royal duty, but from the yearning of a 23-year-old named Dietrian.
That’s why, despite the requests from my attendants, I never handed her over.
She was the only one who made me feel like a human, not a king.
‘I wonder how they would react if they knew my feelings.’
I chuckled, recalling Banessa’s warnings about how she would harm me.
Even if they didn’t show it, most of them probably felt the same as Banessa.
If they knew what I felt, they would surely be horrified. They would try to stop me.
But none of them would be able to change my mind.
I was certain of that.
* * *
“A sight like this reminds me of the saint’s daughter. Wouldn’t it be nice if that demon bled and died like these monsters? She doesn’t look like she’ll last long anyway, but somehow, the wretch’s life just keeps hanging on.”
A few days later, Banessa finally crossed the line. As I had warned him earlier, I punished him according to martial law. His sword was confiscated, and he was excluded from any combat roles for the time being. For someone as combative as him, this was the harshest punishment.
Yulken tried to persuade me for a moment but soon gave up. In the knighthood, principles come first. No matter how close you are, letting emotions interfere would only weaken the very foundation of the knights. Yulken, as the commander, understood that better than anyone.
Though it was my decision to punish Banessa, the incident left a scar on me as well.
We had clashed often recently, but Banessa had been one of my most trusted knights. The fact that he kept going astray didn’t sit well with me.
What troubled me most was how he seemed like a completely different person lately. Although everyone in the delegation disliked her, Banessa’s hatred was excessive. He seemed like someone who had lost everything and was left with nothing but hatred.
‘What could be the reason?’
I sighed softly as I mulled over Banessa’s behavior. There were too few clues. Recently, all my attention had been focused on her.
My gaze naturally turned toward her, sleeping across from me. We were traveling in the same carriage.
As I watched her pale face half-covered by a tattered blanket, the turmoil in my heart melted away. Incredibly, a feeling of peace, as soft and sweet as cotton candy, spread through my chest—completely at odds with the situation.
‘Time will solve things with Banessa.’
Feeling much lighter, I opened the carriage window slightly. A pleasant, cool breeze brushed against my cheek.
‘You and I… Will our relationship change someday? Maybe we won’t fall in love, but could we at least come to rely on each other in hard times?’
With a faint sense of hope stirring in me, I closed my eyes.
* * *
The days that followed were much the same.
She never regained her full strength. Despite adjusting the pace of our journey to accommodate her condition, she collapsed from exhaustion several times.
My attendants, who wished for nothing more than for us to be separated, were deeply disappointed, but they refrained from openly criticizing her.
Banessa, too, grew silent at some point. He no longer spoke ill of her and walked with his head bowed low.
I secretly welcomed the change in Banessa. It seemed as though he had finally accepted reality.
If you can’t solve the hell in your heart, sometimes it’s better to simply accept it.
I knew that for certain, having faced my own moments of hell.
Or so I thought.
At least, until just before we arrived at the capital, when Banessa collapsed.
“My apologies, Your Highness. There is no way to save Sir Banessa’s leg. The time for treatment has passed. If we don’t amputate soon, his life will be in danger.”
I stared blankly at Banessa’s horribly decayed leg. That’s when I finally understood the changes I had seen in him over the past days. He had given up on his life long ago. Unable to bear his hatred for the Holy Empire, he had chosen to destroy himself.
Naturally, I couldn’t agree with Banessa’s choice. I grabbed him by the collar and shouted, demanding to know what had possessed him to do something so insane. If he hadn’t been a patient, I might have slapped him.
No, that wasn’t it.
What I hated most, what I couldn’t forgive, was myself.
Looking back, there had been countless opportunities to notice Banessa’s condition.
I had known about his injury from the start. I knew his personality—once he harbored resentment, he pursued it to the bitter end. His gait had been different from usual.
And yet, I had missed all the signs. As a result, Banessa had permanently lost his leg. The knight who had once proudly vowed to devote his life to Genos had seen his life completely fall apart.
* * *
The day Banessa’s leg was amputated, my guilt reached its peak. What made it worse was that, even in the midst of all this, I still had to live as a king. I couldn’t show my anguish in front of others because I was the king.
After a day that felt like a battle, I was utterly exhausted. More than ever, I craved comfort. And in my mind, only one person filled that need.
Leticia, my wife.
Since we arrived at the capital, we had not spent time together.
Her health had recovered, and in the capital, there were plenty of people to attend to her. I no longer needed to step in.
She didn’t seem to mind the change. But I did. After spending so much time together, I had come to rely on her emotionally.
The time apart was painful for me. Especially after going through hell like this. I eagerly awaited the night, as it was the only time I could see her.
When I entered our bedroom, as usual, she was already asleep with her back turned to me.
Seeing her in this familiar position brought me both relief and sadness. Relief that I wouldn’t spend this miserable night alone, and sadness because she still wouldn’t allow me close to her.
I chuckled bitterly as I closed the door. It was absurd how I expected her to come to me first, even though I had never once begged her to let me in.
Quietly, I removed my coat and lay down on the bed. I turned to my side, looking at her back. The harshness of reality remained unchanged, but still, she brought me comfort.
Though I wanted to gaze at her longer, I turned away, remembering how uncomfortable I had made her during our wedding night.
Instead of being close to her, I closed my eyes and imagined her sleeping face. But then, a strange sound woke me from my half-sleep.
“… must die.”
At first, I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or reality. I blinked rapidly, unsure.
“Tonight, I will kill him.”
I thought it had to be a dream.
No, I *wanted* it to be a dream.
But it wasn’t.
Her voice was far too real.
“I will kill him. I will. With my own hands, I’ll kill him.”
She was panting nervously.
Her presence was so loud that if she had decided to kill someone other than me, she would never have succeeded.
I lay there, frozen, unable to move. Who was she planning to kill?
Could it really be me?
Flash!
“Aah!”
A burst of lightning filled the room. I squeezed my eyes shut as I caught a glimpse of us reflected in the mirror across the room.
It wasn’t a mistake.
She truly was trying to kill me. She had raised a dagger, one I had no idea how she obtained, preparing to strike me down—until she was startled by the flash of lightning and dropped the weapon.
* * *
I did nothing until morning.
I didn’t rise from the bed, nor did I stop her.
I remained curled up, as if I had fallen into a deep sleep.
She tried several more times to kill me. I’m not sure why, but each time, she failed and eventually gave up, sobbing before pulling the blanket over herself again.
I just lay there, listening to her cry.
All night long.
It was madness.
I should have gotten up, if not for my life, then for Genos.
But I did nothing.
I couldn’t do anything.
The moment I saw her trying to kill me, everything I had struggled to hold onto over the past seven years completely shattered.
The woman I had given my heart to, the person I had finally begun to lean on after seven years, had tried to kill me.
I thought I had hit rock bottom, but there was an even deeper abyss.
It was so wretched that a part of me wished she had finished the job.
I got up from the bed just as dawn was breaking. The room was filled with a faint blue light. As I looked out at the brightening sky, a bitter laugh escaped me.
“Haha.”
My world had completely fallen apart, and yet the sun still rose. The darkness faded, and a new day began.
I quietly got up from the bed and walked to the opposite side. I pulled over a chair and sat across from her. She lay curled up, fast asleep.
This clumsy assassin hadn’t even bothered to hide the dagger properly. If she shifted in her sleep, she might hurt herself with it. I was amazed at myself for thinking that, for still worrying about her after everything that had happened.
“Leticia, do you hate me that much?”
How much did she have to despise me to want to kill me with her own hands? How loathsome and unbearable must I have been for her to make that choice?
A hollow laugh escaped me as my eyes grew hot.
Her sleeping form blurred as tears welled up.
On our wedding night, I had convinced myself that her rejection wasn’t about me, that it stemmed from some other fear that plagued her. I had foolishly hoped that if we could overcome that fear, our relationship might change one day.
I had clung to a false hope.
Covering my face with one hand, I silently wept. The memories we shared, fragile and fleeting, crumbled like ashes burned by fire. The few bright moments I had in my life… were gone.
After a while, I gently removed the dagger from her hand so she wouldn’t hurt herself. Instead of getting rid of it, I placed it beneath her pillow.
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